Dr. Strangelove: Or, How Wally Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Spandex
Thanks to Livia and Te for audiencing.


I. Essay

Wally said, "What happened with Hawkgirl...it made me realize, I've been working with you guys for two years, and I don't really know any of you."

Bruce grimaced slightly as he sliced into his steak. The last light of the evening was falling through the windows of the "small" dining room at Wayne Manor across the table, touching his face with a surprisingly warm glow. "That's hardly the case, Wally."

And he knew it wasn't, not completely. Some people would say that knowing a guy would kick you out in an escape pod so he could take a satellite on a suicide mission to save the planet was knowing a lot. And it was. Wally now knew for sure Batman was incredibly brave, and incredibly smart, and also just a little bit of a showoff. But the situation still bugged him, and it had been bugging him the whole time the League had been on hiatus. "Oh, come on. Hawkgirl's a traitor, John's in love with her, Superman's a giant nerd of a reporter, and you... you're Bruce Wayne, international mimbo of mystery! Everybody's been keeping secrets!"

"Bruce Wayne," he said flatly, "is no one. A mask. You know Batman. That's more than enough."

"Pretty expensive mask." Wally leaned back in his chair and looked up into the rafters. Speaking of masks, Bruce was pretty hot without his. Dark hair, pale skin, gravel-voice just a little bit nicer, that square jaw a lot less improbable in context...Or maybe he was hot with it, too, only it was such a strange kind of hotness that Wally hadn't known what to call it.

He'd never dated a superhero, girl or guy, after all. He wasn't dating one now. It was just, there had been a real downturn in super-simian activity lately, and he was really bored, and somehow when he wasn't paying attention his feet had carried him all the way out to Wayne Manor to ask if Bruce could come out and play. He'd never been able to just hang out with Leaguers before. His secret identity wouldn't have lasted past the first beer bong. "Doesn't it bother you at all, not knowing about your fellow-heroes?"

"I know everything I need to know."

"Oh, yeah? Did you know I was coming over this evening?"

"You're a special case."

The way he said it, Wally was pretty sure Bruce didn't mean it to be a compliment, but it sounded like it might be one anyway. "You know it, buddy."

Bruce stabbed at the steak. "I certainly do."

Wally looked at the expensive plates, the fancy silverware, the clear crystal, the heavy tablecloth. It really was an awful lot of stuff to belong to no one. "So who am I having dinner with, then? Batman, Bruce Wayne, or...someone else?"

He stopped his fork between his plate and his mouth. Score. "Does it matter?"

"No," Wally said, and slid forward, faster than even Batman could possibly anticipate, and kissed him. Bruce's fork clattered to the plate, and his hands were grabbing at Wally's shoulders, but kneading them roughly, not doing the Five Point Exploding Wally's Heart trick. Then Bruce pushed him back. "Um. Is that okay?"

Bruce studied him for a minute, just long enough to make Wally wonder if he wasn't going to end up down in a display case in the Batcave himself, then yanked him forward by the waist, tumbling them both off their chairs. Wally's flailing hand caught the tablecloth, and they were suddenly buried in white cloth and china, but Bruce didn't even seem to notice. The last thing Wally could remember later was wondering if Bruce was a whole other person when he was naked.

II. Wise fool

Wally was soaping his leg and working his way through one of the lesser-known masterpieces of Journey when he heard the faint thump, like a window in his apartment being shoved up. He froze, but remembered to keep on singing. Grodd and the Inhumanite both loved swinging through windows. He could take either of them, or both, but he really wished he didn't have to let a super-ape see him naked and flapping in the breeze. There were some kinds of traumas better left to heroes who had human opponents. Unfortunately, he'd actually put his clothes in the hamper in the bedroom for once. He hesitated, cursing at himself for trying to be tidy.

Still, he didn't want to let whoever it was just rummage through his apartment unchecked--if nothing else, he wanted to save the bunch of bananas that he had on the counter for breakfast tomorrow. So he knotted a towel around his waist as tightly as he could (where was Wonder Woman when you needed her?) and zoomed out of the bathroom.

"Gotcha, you big ape!" he yelled, but the figure he spun around was Batman, all loom and glower. He'd been looking at Wally's stuff, and Wally could guess what Batman thought of the Leaning Tower of Pizza Boxes. His cheeks colored. "Whoops."

"Wally," Batman said, and looked him up and down. If Wally wasn't mistaken, he was being thoroughly checked out. He had always thought Batman saved that look for a supervillain he was about to fight. "Expecting someone else?"

"No. Not really. Uh...what are you doing here?"

"A case." Bruce came closer, and Wally backed up without thinking til he was almost against the wall.

"Do you need some help? I can finish in a second and get dressed," he said, feeling slightly disappointed. Among other things.

"I just closed it."

"Oh. Well, then, if you'll give me a minute, I'll--"

Batman's arm barred his way. Wow, that thing was massive. "I don't think you need a minute."

Batman's eyes were hungry. Feral, even. And this was getting just a little too freaky for him. "Hang on, Bruce. You're in costume and I'm practically buck-naked. You can see way more than I can. It's not...not fair!"

Batman actually stopped to consider this, and nodded. He pulled back the cowl, letting it hang behind him. That revealed the whole face, which Wally knew was capable of more expressions than you might think, but left the whole body covered. All hard muscle and armor, like it could be anyone's, even though it was definitely Batman's.

Wally swallowed. "I'm still way nakeder."

"True." Batman's hand rummaged in one of his pockets, and he pulled something out. As he brought it up to Wally's face, he realized it was one of those masks that just covered the eyes. It was freeing, compared to his usual cowl, and suddenly he felt like a whole different person. The superhero created by Batman specifically for kissing. The Hottie Wonder.

Bruce's fingers stroked up the front of his hair, making it stand on end, and then he stared at his work. "I think that's...good enough," he said breathlessly. Suddenly, something in his eyes just went, like he'd crossed over into some place where there was no way he could stop, and then Wally was being pressed between the wall and Batman's body, and it was a good place to be.

Wally swallowed again. "Oh, yeah."

"In fact..." Bruce began burrowing kisses into his neck while twining the fingers of one hand into his hair. "It's perfect."

Wally couldn't disagree.

III. Baccalaureate

"That's the last of them," Batman said, landing next to Flash. "The police are on their way."

"Good. I don't think Keystone City was really ready to be ruled by talking gorillas with laughing gas." He would never have heard the end of it at the next League meeting. If there was ever going to be a next League meeting. "Wanna get a drink?"

"No," Batman said curtly, and Flash grimaced, still breathing hard from the fight. Despite everything, Batman was still Batman, and it was stupid to assume--"That would force me to wait to get my hands on you."

"Oh," Flash said faintly. "Well, my place is only--"

Batman caught his head in both hands and kissed him. When he released him, Flash's knees had gone weak. Batman had probably done that on purpose.


"Here," Batman growled, and kissed him again. This time, one hand slid roughly over Flash's ass, jamming Flash up against him. Oh, God, Wally thought, it was hot to open your eyes and see only the Batman staring back at you. Like this relentless shadow falling over you, this hungry and impersonal force that just wanted to devour you.

"It's kind of--public--"

"Or else it's not public at all. No one knows who we are."

There was something to that, maybe, though his logic was pretty derailed by lust right now, by feeling Batman's own hardness pressing up, hot and real beneath the cold body armor. It would really be kind of legendary, in a way--not just two ordinary guys having sex in all the ordinary ways, but two Justice Leaguers hot for each other.

Could all those women who'd hit on him in the suit really be wrong?

"You really like it in the costumes, don't you?"

Batman pushed a hand between them, ground it against Flash's own cock swelling shamelessly against the spandex. "And now you do, too."

Flash leaned back against the fence, and Batman followed, his cape falling over them both. He imagined how it would look to somebody watching, how out-of-control and...epic, and he shivered. "Well. I can't be unpredictable all the time."

Feedback, positive or negative, to Sarah T.